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| Critique My Short Story, I Want To Know If I'm Rubbish? Feel free to stop reading whenever you gain an opinion on my writing style. Apolagies for the length, I would appreciate all criticism, be harsh, be brutal. Enjoy: Veronica took pills. Not in the traditional sense: the pills she takes are far from prescribed. I must admit though, life would be easier for everyone around her if she popped a valium every now and then. Alas, everyone needs their vices, everyone needs something to hold onto throughout the course of their existence. She did them all: ecstasy, serotonin, dopamine, diazepam. Her biggest habit was cocaine, when she could afford it. Ephedrine-powered nasal congestants when she couldn’t. I met Veronica at a house party in the ninth grade. She’s two years my senior, and breathes life into every room she enters. ’What’s your name?’ She asked, her voice was enough to razzle and dazzle me. ’Sam.’ I replied with the most nervous of tones in my arsenal. ’Wanna abuse a little substance, Sam?’ I lost my virginity to her an hour later. She, a thin peroxide blonde party girl and coffee franchise barista with a killer smile. And I, a skinny-leg jean wearing pothead whose balls had only just recently dropped. That night I gained initiation into the strange and wonderful world of Veronica Malone, a crash course in electronic music, pharmaceuticals, and a lot of sex, with occasional light bondage. I spent the next ten straight weekends with her. Over those ten weekends she bought me alcohol, weed, and a sixteenth of my current wardrobe. Far heavier an influence than was healthy for a boy my age. Our relationship was something of a Freudian wet dream. Veronica was my mentor, mother, sister and best friend, all the while being my lover. During the following Easter holidays, I brought her home for Easter-lunch. Her personality hastedly transformed once she stepped through my front door. From ***** and ***** to pleases and thank yous in the blink of an eye. Whether by miracle or cosmic joke, Veronica and I survived a seemingly endless cycle of dustups and were still seeing each other the following Easter holidays. Neither of us wanted to spend it with family. So instead we planned a trip to the coast. A long weekend of glorious sacrilege, were we decided to make a point of using the lord’s name in vain as often as we could. Preferably while doing a lot of ******* in her parents’ holiday home. We packed her weathered Nissan Pulsar with instant noodles and backed out of her drive-way, Veronica nearly guiding the car into an approaching hoodlum. He sneered at me and handed her a small air tight bag of cocaine. An hour later we pulled into a roadside rest-stop near Braidwood. She’d already taken off her pants and unzipped mine. She speedily turned off the ignition and climbed over the console, sprung my cock from my fly and pulled her panties aside far enough to take me in. She slid slowly down until our pelvises met. That was the end of the slow, from then on we were moving in Cocaine time. Using one hand to buffer her head against the Pulsar’s low ceiling, I reached down with the other to recline my chair. The seat flopped backwards with a bang, it’s momentum combined with the physics generated from our enthusiastic coupling started the car rolling backwards down a gentle slope. In all the excitement, neither of us thought to secure the hand brake. Veronica’s eyes widened with emotion. Fear? Arousal? Both? I was experiencing mostly panic as my body slid backward with the car. Grabbing the driver’s seat, I pulled myself through an incline sit-up towards the hand brake, wrapped my fingers around the handle and pulled hard. We slid a few anxious metres before abruptly hitting a gum tree. Veronica bowed her head, laughed and quickly rediscovered her earlier rhythm. We finished up and exited the vehicle to inspect the damage. Very minor, we got back in the car, Veronica did another line and we were on the road again. __ Thanks for reading, there's about 10,000 words more, this is just the beginning. And yeah, this story is semi-biographical. Believe it or not, just about all of this is true. |
| I got bored by the 2nd paragraph...sry, im rly tired |
| Rap Song. What do you reckon? Shake That Come on let’s get the party started, come on, let’s get crunking, take it all off from head to toe, I won’t mind, you look so damn good when you bend over. It arouses my short attention span that my mother can’t handle. Smack to the left and right *****, left and right that’s looking so damn good, I need to make that look so lame. nice piece of meat in front of my dick, waiting for me to eat that pussy alive my ******* are shouting shots shots, got their guns in there jock strap ready to pounce on that ******. This beat is so damn good why stop shaking that *** Its making me swinging punches left and right like a slut ******* every pimp she sees on the dance floor. ohh Shake that *** girl Shake shake it shake it So good , looking so good oh yer I love my music so loud, with some dove soap in the bath tub, lube it up all over my big dick, soft hand turns me on, learning the way you go about your sexual ways, it no delays, I’m so sick of these black ***** , trying to steal my ***** the gun is ready to load to the road of hell we were are going to have a battle and we see who wins the lottery ticket then I am the man of this club, no one can stop me, **** off Niger’s lets fight this off, under the moon light, only me and you, I take you on any day, night or sunshine , I don’t give a ****, I don’t need luck to beat you , you’re a weak peace of ****. The way my ***** is up on that poll bending her *** and shaking that *** it’s like a G6. So damn good. You better take this oath from me . I don’t give a **** if you don’t like the way I rap my lyrics, that’s the way I love to express myself. Especially the way you are making me feel at the moment. Shake that *** girl Shake shake it shake it So good , looking so good oh yer lets meet at the road of hell at 12, don’t lack on bullets because this is ******* war You touched my girl, how dare you, I’m the only one can feel her up I’m going to bomb your brain off to mars and I can sing lar lar lar its sexual harassment I don’t give a **** , I feel up any girl I want, that’s my needs, you don’t have a privilege to do that so that’s why you’re a dead ****. You better write a letter to your mummy and daddy because there is no tomorrow. So sorrow to even do that aren’t you. the way that ***** gives lap dances is so damn good, blonde, small waist big ****, that’s what I call a good piece of meat, so good, yer , oh yer. Makes my bedrock Shake that *** girl Shake shake it shake it So good , looking so good oh yer, Bang Bang your gown That’s 1 ****** down , many more to come. I aint afraid of any mother ****** Die in hell **** I see you in hell |
| CANADIAN Fries p. 141 Jane: Oh you DO MIND? dave: Yes! Jane: I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sssssssoorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. dave: No you're NOT! Jane: OF COURSE I'm NOT! BLACK women can't do that. Thrugood & Barack: Nope. Michelle: The MOST POWERLESS. Jesus & Mohammet: Not for MUCH LONGER! Not for MUCH LONGER! Jane: You were GOOD at PLAYING INNOCENT. No really you TOLD me you DIDN'T MIND. Jane: So THIS is how we're going to TALK NOW! Oh we don't want TALK like that ANYMORE? dave: No! We're going to STOP saying N$GGER, Sandy. Sandy: I NEVER SAID it!! Well me and dave then. |
| What do you reckon about this rap song? SHAKE THAT! Come on let’s get the party started, come on, let’s get crunking, take it all off from head to toe, I won’t mind, you look so damn good when you bend over. It arouses my short attention span that my mother can’t handle. Smack to the left and right *****, left and right that’s looking so damn good, I need to make that look so lame. nice piece of meat in front of my dick, waiting for me to eat that pussy alive my ******* are shouting shots shots, got their guns in there jock strap ready to pounce on that ******. This beat is so damn good why stop shaking that *** Its making me swinging punches left and right like a slut ******* every pimp she sees on the dance floor. ohh Shake that *** girl Shake shake it shake it So good , looking so good oh yer X2 I love my music so loud, with some dove soap in the bath tub, lube it up all over my big dick, soft hand turns me on, learning the way you go about your sexual ways, it no delays, I’m so sick of these black ***** , trying to steal my ***** the gun is ready to load to the road of hell we were are going to have a battle and we see who wins the lottery ticket then I am the man of this club, no one can stop me, **** off Niger’s lets fight this off, under the moon light, only me and you, I take you on any day, night or sunshine , I don’t give a ****, I don’t need luck to beat you , you’re a weak peace of ****. The way my ***** is up on that poll bending her *** and shaking that *** it’s like a G6. So damn good. You better take this oath from me . I don’t give a **** if you don’t like the way I rap my lyrics, that’s the way I love to express myself. Especially the way you are making me feel at the moment. Shake that *** girl Shake shake it shake it So good , looking so good oh yer X2 lets meet at the road of hell at 12, don’t lack on bullets because this is ******* war You touched my girl, how dare you, I’m the only one can feel her up I’m going to bomb your brain off to mars and I can sing lar lar lar its sexual harassment I don’t give a **** , I feel up any girl I want, that’s my needs, you don’t have a privilege to do that so that’s why you’re a dead ****. You better write a letter to your mummy and daddy because there is no tomorrow. So sorrow to even do that aren’t you. the way that ***** gives lap dances is so damn good, blonde, small waist big ****, that’s what I call a good piece of meat, so good, yer , oh yer. Makes my bedrock Shake that *** girl Shake shake it shake it So good , looking so good oh yer, Bang Bang your gown That’s 1 ****** down , many more to come. I aint afraid of any mother ****** Die in hell **** I see you in hell Be honest please Thank you |
| awesome |
| What do you think of my sick jokes? Alcohol free beer - It's like licking your sisters pussy. It tastes the same, but it's just not right. 've strapped a lawnmower engine to a cardboard box and managed to get the DVLA to register it. Time to find out whether those ***** really do buy any car. ----- 2: I was walking the dog in the park earlier, Ended up raping and murdering an old woman, I'm only guyding. I don't have a dog. ---- 3: I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women. My husband has finally proven you all wrong. He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had . xxx" What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight! Little girl walks into the bathroom and see her grandad taking a piss she says to her grandad "Grandad when will i have one of those between my legs" Grandad replies "when your parents go out" How many babies does it take to paint a wall? -Depends how hard you throw them You know what I like the most about having sex in the shower with a 13 year old girl? It´s that you can stroke back her hair and she will look like a 10 year old boy! |
| They are all copied from other comedians, I wouldn't count them as "your" jokes |